Thursday, January 17, 2013

Isn't it about time for baby no. 2?


I wish I could tell you the amount of times I get asked this exact question.
Well, let me try and answer this question.
 
When I decided the first time that I wanted to have a baby.  I couldn't wait.  I wanted her now and I wanted to be pregnant yesterday.  I had it bad.  The.Baby.Fever.
 
I keep thinking the fever will hit me again, but It.Hasn't....
Sure, once in a while, I will get a taste and I think "this is it!"
and shortly there after it leaves and and I question myself and having more children!
Does that make me a bad person? A bad mother?  A selfish human being?
I never intended on only having one child.  And I am often reminded how having one child is
NOT. normal.  She needs a playmate.  You can't have an only child.
 
And while I appreciate the advice, and know deep within my heart that I want more children.
My reality screams at me, "You have about all you can take with one.
She's easy, out of diapers, potty trained, and pretty self-sufficient for a 3 year old.
Not to mention, just about all you can afford."
 
Then my heart chimes in, OK, just have another one.  Just get pregnant.  As soon as you do,
the baby fever will return and you will get excited and fall in love all over again
 and the world will be right.
 
Oh! but then the worrying sets in. 
I have dealt with anxiety for most of my life.
Worrying! making things worse than they are just by thinking.too.much.
Over analyzing. Yep, that's me.  That's what I do.

I worry, what if I am breech again?
I don't want another C-section {it flipping hurts}.
I don't want another breastfeeding nightmare.
What if something is wrong with this baby?
Can I manage loving 2 babies?
And, what if I am puking my guts out for 16 weeks again?
Can I still be a good mom to Presley, when I can't even get out of bed from morning sickness.
Of course there is the financial aspect?
Will I have enough vacation time to take a full maternity leave?
Can I afford a second child?

So when EveryOne asks, when is number two coming?
When are you going to give Presley a baby brother?
 
Believe me, the thought has crossed my mind.
It crosses my mind every.single.day.
But I just don't know if I am ready.
I want to be ready.
I know timing wise, I should be ready.
I never intended my children to be so far apart in age.
I want Presley to be a big sister.
I want to have a healthy baby in my arms again.
 
If I could skip the morning sickness and delivery part,
I might be more apt to just Go.For.It.
But the fact is, I struggled with the fact that Presley was breech
I was terrified of laying on that table and being awake while my abdomen was cut open.
And even more scared to have to do it again.
I had my mind made up that I would have this beautiful unmedicated delivery.
And while that could have been me being niave.
It's what I thought I wanted.
And don't get me wrong, she came into my life in her own way.
And she was perfect and beautiful and healthy.
And I thank God everyday for giving her to me.
But I couldn't help but be upset, that I felt robbed of my woman-hood.
I wanted to feel a contraction.
Wanted to push my baby out and have her handed to me right then and there.
And when it didn't happen.
I just felt robbed.
And then I felt guilty for even feeling that way.
I would tell myself, you DON'T get to think like that.
Look at this perfect little life in your arm's.
But I still did.
It took some time for those wounds to heal.
and
I look at my scar now and smile, knowing my daugher and all her sass,
of course she would do things her way.
But I remember the sting, and not sure I am strong enough to tear open those wounds again.

And then I have to continually remind myself that when the time is right. 
It will just be.
I have to remember that there is a plan for me and my family.
I need to surrender the control that I have to have.
Put the worrying and anxiety aside.
And do my best to trust in his plan.
Yet it's often times hard, to keep this mentality.
Just let.go and believe.
I know I want more children, but I am Scared.
Bottom line.
Way more scared for this time than last.
 
So, is it time for number two?
I guess not even I know that.
But I am willing to trust and follow my heart,
and pray the rest will just.be. as it should.
 



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7 comments:

  1. I love your raw honesty! I can relate so much to this post. I go back and forth with wanting a 2nd baby but I had a very difficult 1st pregnancy and I am terrified just like you to go through all of that again. I think when the time is right it will just happen... Just know you aren't alone in those thoughts you are having! Thanks for sharing your heart!

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  2. You're speaking my language sister!

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  3. Take my advice, don't listen to anyone's advice :) Wait until you know you're ready.

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  4. I don't have kids, so I can't speak from firsthand experience, but I just watched the documentary The Business of Being Born, and they refer to the fact about feeling robbed after c-sections and how the medical industry is pushing to make them the norm rather than being necessary in extreme situations. It was just an interesting film to see.

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    1. Oh, and we get folks asking all the time when we are going to have a kids, and I'm just like, "We've ONLY been married THREE years." We're young and not ready, and that doesn't make us selfish--that makes us smart!

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  5. I have had the same exact feelings, and you described everything that has gone through my head to a tee. Only difference is, I was puking the entire pregnancy! Get a puppy, we just did :)

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  6. I know what you mean, although we never gave anyone time enough to pressure us about having kids. If anything we were speeding forward while everyone else was saying STOP, haha. But I hope that your second birth experience can help heal the wounds of your first, like it did for me. I really can be amazing! After I had my first via c/section (seven weeks early) I was so terrified of giving birth again. I didn't know how I was ever going to do it again... everything I had hoped for had flopped. I was afraid almost right up until the time that my second son was born. But after I gave birth to him I was so happy that I was talking about our next child ON THE WAY HOME from the birth center. Cray cray.

    I pray that all your fears are assuaged and that God gives you the desires of your heart! He's so good and so faithful. Just keep trusting him. ;)

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